Rann Ramu, Rann!

or How I learned to stop expecting and be indifferent!
(This time, it’s personal)

As a Christian, I am supposed to believe that Christ lived and suffered for the sins of mankind and was eventually crucified and resurrected. Well, I don’t but that’s another story. My point is that I might not believe in the resurrection of Jesus but I am an optimistic person and there are a few resurrections that I have been waiting for. The first and the most important one is that of Sachin Tendulkar. I will die a peaceful man if I can witness Sachin return to his sparkling form and help India win the World Cup. Now before you haters start saying anything, I would like to present a crude but effective reply in anticipation – Fuck you!

The second would be that of one my favourite singers of all time – George Michael. Now, once again before you say something about the 'has-been gay singer who was arrested at a public loo for indecent exposure' I would like to say that he is a brilliant songwriter and an even better singer. Too bad if all that you remember of him is “Last Christmas” and “Careless Whisper”. That’s like remembering Rahman for “Jai Ho” and “Ringa Ringa Ringa”. I didn’t even know how bad it was till I saw Music & Lyrics (2007). If you have a film where Hugh Grant plays you, you know you fucked up somewhere . . .real bad!

The third was the resurrection of a man who single-handedly created and then ruined the genre of Bollywood-Underworld films. Ram Gopal Verma’s list of good films is really enviable and that is probably why people still put money into his films and even try to watch his films. While most people consider Satya (1998) as his best, I would go for the more refined and hence underappreciated Company (2002). That’s not a debate I want to get into right now. That requires time, patience and a lot of booze so if you have all three, let’s meet up soon. His Sarkar (2005) was an extremely good take on The Godfather. His Rangeela (1995) is legendary for many reasons – Rahman’s first Hindi film, the raunchy launch of Urmila, Aamir’s brilliant performance and the advent of his award-shunning etc. His Raat (1992) is, in my humble opinion, one of the scariest horror films this country has produced. Shiva (1989) was a crackling debut that was never appreciated at the time but has now gathered a cult following. There are a few honorable mentions too like Jungle (2000), Kaun (1999) and even Naach (2004). The last time Ramu made something that didn’t make you want to throw up was Sarkar Raaj (2008). Don’t get me wrong, it was a disappointment after Sarkar but still, it was bearable and decent.



These days, the consistency of Ramu lies in the way he consistently disappoints. His films after Sarkar can be divided into two categories – One where he says “Come here, I’m going to take a dump on you” and the other where he lures you with the promise of cake. You go along because of the beautiful icing and the baker’s reputation in the good ol’ days. It’s only when you bite into a piece that you realize that it’s filled with all the shit that he couldn’t drop on you from his previous films. All Ramu fans have fallen for atleast one film from either of the categories. I know I have.

These days I go for a Ramu film saying “Come on, how bad can it be?” and every time Ramu manages to quietly say “That’s how bad!”. When I heard that Ishqiya and Rann were clashing on the 29th of Jan, only out of respect to Ramu, I had to pretend to decide which one I would watch first. Though Ishqiya was also a major disappointment, I had no idea what Rann had in store for me. I watched it last night and I have come very close to giving up on Ramu.

When I first saw the critics’ comments on the cover of Mumbai Mirror, I got that sinking feeling. Subhash K Jha had claimed it was Ramu’s best film since Company and he was on the top of the list with 4 or 4.5 stars. Any list with that name on top is trying to con you into one big crap-fest.

I felt like Ramu was trying to do a Bhandarkar-style commentary meets Aamir Khan-message film and ended up achieving neither. I guess the DoP decided to take most of the days off leaving the camera in the hands of Ramu who soon realized that tripods and trolleys are expensive whereas weed is cheap. The camera movements can put Sunny Deol to shame. His Epidermis-exposing extreme close-ups in Sarkar still went with the intensity of the film but in Rann he just said “How can I distract my viewers from the predictable story, mediocre acting and pathetic writing? Aha, I’ll just go crazy with the camera!” And then, he did. Sudeep, unlike popular opinion, gave a bad performance with his US-returned character and strong South-Indian accent. Both Gul Panag and Neetu Chandra were terribly miscast. Neetu Chandra who does nothing but wear skimpy clothes that reveal her ample self, especially took the cake towards the end. There is a moment where she has to give an utterly shocked expression and she tries to get it right but making her eyeballs seem bigger than her boobs. No way is that happening anytime soon! Paresh Rawal does something that he has been doing forever – another crappy villainous role for the money. It’s ok, I understand. A man’s gotta eat! Rajat Kapoor was again terribly wasted. Ritesh was just about bearable and Mohnish Behl starts off well till he breaks into the “Let-me-reveal-my-devious-plot-in-case-somebody-might-be-recording” speech. Amitabh is the only saving grace again and that too because the rest of the cast is so bad. With a few good actors in the equation, he would have to step-up his game up to stay in the fray. One thing that stands out, for me, are the songs of the film. There are many reasons to put songs in any film. Great lyrics lying around, great music lying around, promoting your not-so-hot muse, getting eyeballs through hot item number, just to break the monotony of the narrative. With this film, Ramu has come up with a new one – to fuck up an already bad film. Each and every song is so bad that I’m at a loss for words. The lyrics seem like they were written through a vox-pop on the streets of Delhi. All in all, a truly disgusting experience so much so that I have almost given up on Ramu . . . almost.

Unlike Jesus who suffered for his people, died and was eventually resurrected, it is we the audience who are suffering through his films, wishing we were dead and yet hoping to witness the resurrection of a man who was once a God.

Highly unlikely but if Ramu is reading this . . . Sorry if you feel hurt but there is a lot of love and respect behind this ruthless criticism and more importantly like Munna said “Apun public hai. Kissi ko kuch bhi bol sakta hai!” So for Christ’s sake, don’t disappoint with Rakta Charitra (2010)